Traveling Emotions

I am having so much trouble writing about my travels and adventures in Tel Aviv and Siani I thought I would take a break and write about how I feel. Something that has always come naturally to me.

During this trip I have felt every emotion possible. Not only every emotion but also a range of intensity as well. As most of you know, one of my reasons for leaving my home for Israel is to heal... so naturally emotions are going to be felt.

The emotional blast started while leaving Winnipeg and realizing how much people there (and in surrounding areas aka St. Malo) mean to me. People looking at me while I said goodbye could make me cry. People I saw everyday and was so used to having were about to disappear from my life for a good while. It was hard.

After this my emotions took a mellow side as I eased into the seat of the van and the easy life in Montreal. Other then the tears of panic while crashing a car I was solidly a-ok.

This melodic stage in my development didn't last long. I entered Toronto, a new place for me and began to feel more alone. The first night there I decided to leave the party because of pure exhaustion and go to sleep in the van. This was the first time I had been truly alone in a long time. I while getting ready for bed checked my email, facebook and the blogs I subscribe to. Being alone I was already a little sensitive as I have never dealt well with a lack of people. One such blog had a new post, much like this about reasons for travel and emotions. I read it over and over in the pitch dark of the van and began to cry.

I am not scared to say that I cry often. I do, but during this occasion I don't even feel I can call it crying. My body convulsed, my soul ached, and every inch of me hurt. I was shattered... For the first time I realized something that I didn't let myself think while around so many people. I am heartbroken. This blog letter wasn't so shocking but at the time it felt as if it was a direct attack on everything I felt, everything I have worked for and everything I believe. I reached out in my blindness for someone to talk to, but as I had left everyone at the party and I was in a new place there was not one person who could calm me, hold me, love me. With this extremely apparent I just hurt more. Eventually I turned to one person who I know I can always count on to love me, and to take care of me. My sister. It must have been the middle of the night and I called her long distance balling my eyes out. Not able to form sentences I talked with her about all I felt and she listened. Just listening was all I needed and could have asked for. She saved me. Darcy and I talked the day after and often after this and I healed more and more.

After this night I was pretty fragile for the rest of the week, but as time wore on I got a grip on myself and love life.

I arrived in Tel Aviv a little terrified of the future here but not too scared. My emotions were reflecting that fully. After a week or two of living here life through me another challenge I would need to face. I found that every time I got into a situation related to romance or loving emotion I would start to cry. Whether it be a movie or a talk about my past... anything.

I found that almost everything in Israel as a traveller was here for the same reason. To heal. Talking with these people made me think a lot about the healing I need to do but also with talks came questions that I didn't have or wasn't ready to answer.

One night here was more emotional then all others. I crawled into bed after spending a great night out only to find that sleep wasn't in my reach. I tossed and turned and my mind began to race. In the past when I get like this I breath slowly and talk it out pretending that someone important to me is lying beside me. I started to do this quietly and my mind took off. The person I had imagined was the person I needed to talk about. I started off by asking myself what was wrong and how I could help... after deciding this I began to tell this person the story of my love for her. I started at the beginning and as soon as I actually heard myself I began to weep. I wasn't sure what to do now as I needed to do this, but it hurt so much. I decided to continue. I told this person every detail and conversation I could remember from start until up to the point in the van in Toronto. I looked at my watch after this feeling raw and exhausted. I had passed the entire night remembering and letting go.

After this experience everything seemed different. I was still me, I hadn't forgot about anything, something had changed.

About a week after this conversation with myself, god, and her I met someone who swept me off my feet and melted my heart. She was the first person I had met while traveling that I felt knew my heart. We spent a lot of time together living in the hostel and experiencing Tel Aviv. A few days after this I found out I was to be on at Hazore'a 3 days later. We spent even more time together. Two nights before my departure to a new adventure I asked her if she would like to have supper with me the next day. She accepted and I was overjoyed. I spent hours and hours brushing my hair and changing my clothes and fussing about. This was the first time since May or earlier that I had felt anything close to this for someone other then Kim. That realization elated me and brought warmth about me. Supper was amazing and enjoyed her company so much! after supper she sang to me songs that she had written and I behind teary eyes listened intently realizing she would be going home before I would have a chance to get back to Tel Aviv.

I wished her goodnight and we made plans to have coffee in the morning before she worked and I left for Hazore'a. As she went to bed I began to write a letter I would give her after our goodbye telling her everything I have just told you. That she understood me, that she was the first in a long time, and that I would miss her immensely.

I woke up and we shared a cup of coffee and talked about my next step. We walked to the door when it was time for her to start her journey to work and I said goodbye. We hugged a real hug. I said goodbye again and she walked to the door. I looked at my shoes then at the staff behind the desk at the hostel and he gave me a sad look. Just then she came back and hugged me again then left. As I began to walk away from the door the hostel guy told me I looked sad. I was.

I left shortly after this for my Kibbutz and my mind was filled with too much worry and excitement to think about anything else. Hazore'a hasn't been a place of emotional intensity, which is a nice break. I am at peace there.

After my first week there I found out I would be changing jobs. That was fine with me, but it also meant 2 days off. I could go to Tel Aviv and see Emelie (the girl I crushed on) one more time before she left. This news excited me because I didn't know how my letter had faired to her and I didn't know in the first place how she felt.

After finishing the duties I needed to fill at Hazore'a I grabbed a ride to the bus station and flew off to Tel Aviv. When I arrived home people began to tell me about all the news I had missed in the short week I was away. Emelie had moved in with one of the Hostel staff (the one who watched us say goodbye) and was not staying here anymore. Well my intent to surprise her and say hello turned into me being surprised.

I facebooked her to let her know I was in Tel Aviv, not knowing how else to communicate with her. Shortly after she replied that she would come visit after work. I talked with my old friends and ate and within a short time she arrived. I was happy as ever to see her, regardless of the news i had received. She told me she had lots of news for me. New I already knew.

We went out for a drink and talked about her weeks adventures. I was so happy for her, but a little sad. As she began to yawn she decided it was time to head home to bed. I walked her down the street and then it was time to say goodbye again. Saying it once to someone is hard enough.

I hugged her close to myself and whispered goodbye in her ear. She thanked me for the letter and said I was a great person. She and I parted and she left for home, I went into the hostel. Things didn't work out as I had imagined, but they were beautiful. She was so happy and free. And she had freed me as well.